blackout

I blacked out today. Most scariest thing that has happened to me thus far, brought upon by the disease. I was hot, I was dehydrated, I was shaken. Lucky, I was caught.
But my word, I had no bloody idea what had happened. I awoke to my name being frantically called out by my father, who's anxiety stricken vocals disturbed my silence. I came back to reality, feeling like my entire life had just past before me. It was honestly the weirdest sensation I can recall ever having. Luckily, it was in the safety of my own four walls. It scares me to only begin to imagine what it would have been like if I were out...
I don't quite know what brought it about specifically today. I have been much worse, both physiclaly and mentally, but the timing of this event seems pretty poignant in some way. Two days ago, I experienced my most positive day yet. I felt like I really was regaining small slivers of control back, real positive things. But yesterday saw me deteriorate and struggle, and today... well I guess that just hit the nail on the head.
Now I have more pressure to conform to guidelines set by those who know, and more pressure to abide by these guidelines from those who care. But even just thinking about my reflection makes this hard to bare. Nourishment is what is needed, but it is going to be one hell of a struggle to get there.