i hate my mind

It is ridiculous how fast one's mood can change. It might change because of a comment, or something you read or see. It may be directed at you, something you notice in passing, or something you hear accidentally, that really wasn't meant to reach your ears.
The sight of my carers rips me apart. It is becoming more and more obvious to both them and me, but just the sight of them or the sound of those high heels kills me inside and makes me want to die.
When I see they come baring gifts, flowers so naturally beautiful, what I should feel is love and support. Instead, I get angry. The closer they get, the angrier I become. The sound of their voices makes me want to scream and yell. And it makes it worse when they give me that opportunity. Because that voice inside my head doesn't want to do anything I am 'allowed' to do - especially by them.
"Answer your phone or we'll visit more often", is what I've been told. I don't want to do either because it's giving them what they want.
This place absolutely shatters my relationship with them. I realised that the last time I was here, but it's becoming even more apparent now. They think I don't trust them, but I think the anger comes from the fact that I actually do, and I know they are just trying to love me and be there for me, and make sure I am well. They are supposedly doing the right thing, but for some reason, it doesn't work for me.
And the thing about my personality is that once I decide on something, it is hard to turn back on. It's hard for me to undo something that's been done or take something back I regret.
I don't want to accept gifts, I don't believe I need them or deserve them. I am holding back from the world, because that is the only way I know how to cope. That is the horrible truth about this; when you have no other control, you cling onto the tiny bits that you do have. I think this is true particularly for me.
It's going to take time, and now I am going to dread their visits even though I know they should bring me joy. Their presence makes me so distraught, I just want to scream until I can scream no more. That would actually be amazing: if just through one's vocal projection, they could be freed of all their troubles and worries for good.
Small steps is all we can ask for. But mentally, I feel as though I am on a gentle decline, not at all helped by the past hour. Just turning around to see the bunches of nature they have brought for me makes my heart beat a thousand beats per minute.
Trying to stay on track is so much harder than you would believe. The only ones who understand are those who unfortunately have had the opportunity to, through living and breathing it too.