new beginnings

So a change of environment comes with greater independence, more space and in some senses, more freedom. But as barriers open, other ones form, and it is hard to keep them too, open.
Listening to your true self can be one of the most important lessons anyone can learn in this crazy life. It is so hard not to be influenced by the media, by other people, and by that, that is not actually there, but that seems to control your every decision and move.
Watching 'Stranger Than Fiction' yesterday seemed to draw some coincidental similarities to my life at this time. Being controlled by another power, and not knowing how to get out of the sticky situation you have found yourself in. At first; you are unaware of how it is controlling you, and you are oblivious to its impact on your life. Then as you slowly realise its presence, it is worrying and hard to shake. It makes you angry, and desperate but you feel helpless. But when you start to find that voice, and challenge it, you become the bigger person, and you get to decide what really happens in your life - not someone or something else.
Habits need to be changed, lessons need to be learnt, and new opportunities arise that need to be taken. You can work yourself out of the dark and write a new path for which you are to follow.
The past few days haven't gone completely according to 'plan'. A breakdown occurred, however after time in the literal dark, I opened up to the light again. But, I've been consistently working on being positive, and I've kept up many sources of incoming energy. I really feel that the support I've been receiving and the trust that has come along with it, has lessened my anger, and is encouraging me to seek a better life and a fresh start.
Concentration and exhaustion are two factors that need to be worked on, as does variety and not shutting people or situations out. But in time, it will happen.
I've gained inspiration from those in this blogging world which I never would have thought possible, and it is actually incredible how much satisfaction I gain out of knowing that other people are defying the odds, doing well, and living to their full potential.
Having more input in to goings on and being able to prepare things for myself is giving me back some confidence and hopefully in not to long, also enjoyment. Researching, brainstorming and trying out new things are all occurrences that I hope to encounter very soon.
Surprisingly, I am letting myself drift a bit from the safer conformity's of structure, and although this leaves me anxious, I think it will aid me into a faster and heartier recovery.
Apparently in eastern medicine, the kidneys represent one's overall well being, and after looking into Reflexology, it seems that mine have been greatly affected. It's insane how things relate to one another and how by making small changes that seem silly or strange, can actually create new positive emotions or at least a sense of relief.
I have been gifted the opportunity to return to something I thought not possible, at least for the rest of this year. Although I am being told not to go by that seemingly greater power, I have other motivations and motivators that I think will help get me there at the end of this week.
Conversing with others that offer me their deeper thoughts and feelings, helps me to understand them and I hope that some day I will be able to do the same with them.
A time of change, a time of understanding, and a time to rise up to the challenge and face the fear. It does not come free of doubt or distraction but I am sensing that this is it. That time is now.